Similarities~ no point~

Today I gave myself a chance to follow L around and see how he is like normally around his friends and colleagues... eventually I notice that he really got a little too much similarities with my dad...

How he spend is similar, how he find food is similar, but the bad part is, how he is making a living also reminds me a lot about my dad... and today, when we were in the car for the whole day, he then go meet a friend which I am totally cool with it, and after that, we go stay in another friend's house for the night, I got to admit that I feel very uneasy about it, I actually feel like I shouldn't have follow him here....

Now only I notice that what I wanted was a simple love, simple life with simple ppl, life is just too short to be with ppl that you are not happy with... and I don't feel happy with him... I know that I like being with him, I know that I love him, but I am just not happy when I am with him... I feel stress, and cautious about what I say and how I think became a question asked a million times a day towards me every time we talk... I don't like staying out long hours talking about stuff that I have no interest in and especially not after a long drive...

Stop asking me not to think and learn about my preference, because I am also a person with low patient.... if after 2 months then you still doesn't know about my preference and still being too focus on other stuff... then I don't see a point of keeping this on...

Movie and a little more

We went for this movie call "don't break my heart 2" just now...
I love the first movie, then when just now I realized that it was the continued episode of it... I was so glad^^ (yes, I don't know what movie was that even after we bought the ticket :-P)

Anyway, I think the movie just confirmed that, all girls will eventually follow what their heart wants... no matter how, you will still choose the one you love the most =) a little bit pity to the other good guy though, because he really did everything right... and if I was her, there is a high possibility that I will choose the March guy than the playboy.... every girls like romantic guys but if I were to spend the rest of my life with someone, I think the guy that I know will treat me nice and love me forever is the guy I will go for...

Well... today I had a great day with L and I know a little more about him... and I want to know more too... I wonder if I am the only one who wants to know more though... fingers cross... but so far so good =)

Technical, lovey dovey

Hanging out don't feel like hanging out with L... we go out see friends and it felt like every "friend" got their own agenda and own role... the only person that I am remotely sincere in talking to is a girl that doesn't talk business... I was so glad to know someone that doesn't talk intelligent =)

I like the fact that L is fighting for his career and meeting with ppl that is important, doing things that are going to change his future... I really like those qualities about him...  most of all, he will come to see me, and misses me, and that make a world stop spinning... it's soothing and comfortable conversation with him sometimes make me feel like I am having a debate or taking an exam... because everything is so technical so stiff and realistic...

I am just a girl that is here to find true love... who still believe in fairy tales... I always remember that being in a relationship should be lovely, sweet and warm... I never relate it to anything this structural before and also so... systematical... I guess sometimes guys forgot that choosing a topic that will interest a girl is really a thing...

I think anything is more fun than talking about business for now... even watching my two fat hamsters running on the wheel excites me more than the topic of business...

Other than that, L doesn't seem to understand why I wanted to know about his ex, because it was part of his life and when he talks about it... I can still hear the effects on him... I can hear and see that she meant something important to him once... maybe not now, but she was somebody to him before, it gonna mean something... and if he doesn't want to talk about her, maybe he is not that over her either...

Scare~ seriously~

Today was a great day, I spend yesterday and today mostly with him =) however, I guess I was thinking a bit too easy on the whole situation...

The reason why I won't let myself believe in love at one point of my life is because it's scary, not scare of being hurt, if that's was the case, it would be easier to settle... but... the issue here is, it scares me to think what if that person don't like the whole me... what if he doesn't like my whole package... what if he found out that I am not good enough?

I am very scare when ppl tell me that they hear stuff about me... or tell me that a lot of ppl talks about you... because who are those a lot of ppl are? What do they know about me to actually even have a saying in my life? My style? I seriously hate it when ppl tells me they know ppl that knows me... because when they say that... they didn't even understand the meaning of "know you" yet...

L was chosen by me because he has the potential to see things clearly, and understand what it means to focus on here and now... however, that's just how I saw him... just now inside the car, we were having this conversation and I feel like he doesn't trust me... he says he does, but his words tells me other wise... and if he really trust me, I shouldn't need to explain to him about those "a lot of ppl"

I don't explain stuff because I knew that when I explain, I also lost faith in you... due to the fact that I still need to explain...

Commitment issue? Not so much~

I wanna play more and experience more life, then I wanna travel the world, see a lot of things... and I planned all these just for myself~ =)

Well... now that I am 24, I had most of the fun I wanted, experienced enough bumps and failure... then I started to date again, but this time... it's a bit different, it turns out to be more than just dating... I don't know how or why, it just got serious along the way... the funny thing is, I don't feel that fear I used to with him~ XP

My body doesn't reject him, my emotion definitely accepted him, my mind took a little convincing but overall... my life seems to went into this other state without I noticing it, haha~ XD I think this is the state where my older friends was trying to tell me, they said  "you will want to play, wanna experience different things and have different feelings and emotions along the way, but someday, you will wanna settle down and all those plans you have for yourself will become plans you have for 2 ppl then maybe 3 then 4"

I never truly understood what they said until now... and I am not scare anymore... so meeting L parents are not scary... well... a little bit scary thinking if they will like me, but not scary in the way that this is going too serious... because being serious in this relationship seems to be the best choice I have ever made, and I am not even scare that I'll regret it... at least for now, I am going with the flow, because I am liking the flow, and because L might just be the best thing that ever happen to me, I just hope that he won't freak out because I didn't freak out... haha

Raison d'être

Raison d'être means the reason of existence, it is also a phrase that was said to me just now^^

Haha... I am so melted right now, originally I though wanting to see him and missing him is bad... but talking to him made me realized that I am not alone in this... and I am allow to do so =) I am not a secret and I truly have him...
My fear of commitment is lifted from me^^

All I needed was for him to show me that I am not someone extra... and I am important to him too =)
I was feeling agitated because I miss him a lot... and I am so relieve to know that he feels the same too~ ^^
I AM NOT ALONE!!! XD

I am now ready to quite playing around and really plan on that online business thing... because I think it's time for me to plan... and really do what I think =)
And L Is a great source of motivation... no more sales job for me... time to pick up some pace!!! XP

Wait until break~

Yesterday was my best friend's birthday, and I celebrated with her and it was great, everybody is happy^^ then I went to shop alone in the mall... feeling excited because I am going to see him finally~ n3n

But apparently... it's a very bad decision >< I was thinking that maybe a 2 hours shopping time is not a bad thing... ended up become almost 4 hours... because I was waiting and waiting and waiting for the "will leave earlier person"

When I finally see him from his usual lateness because "something" always came up last minute... what I felt was more like ok, let's play... without any sense of excitement or determination, because you are just there to complete a mission, because you already waited for so long... might as well play ~.~

I don't think that he even notice being late is his signature and telling me "something" came up had became his habit~ and he also didn't notice that when he tells "everyone" that his schedule is flexible and free, he is actually letting everyone else filling up his time and the worst part is I can't get angry because he is working and I have to be... have to be... have to be considerate =`)

Maybe he couldn't see it yet, but he isn't ready for a person like me =( I am looking for a future husband, and those "something" is breaking us apart... and I'll wait until someday one of us notice that this is not working and either he is going to leave me or the other way around... because from all these "something"... and the usual lateness and the usual scenario, that's the only possible outcome..

We are only at the beginning of this relationship and this is already the outcome... I am failing to see what is going to get better =_=lll

Lord, he is a great guy that I really really like, please grand him the wisdom to let me see that he is capable to sustain a functional relationship by planning something for me =)
Please guide me to see the greatness in this man so I can have the patient to wait... O:-) I believe that he is the right guy for me, but if being with the current him... means that Janice Choo needs to die :-\

Next week, next time

The phrase "next week" never gave me a good impression... so does the phrase "next time"

Because they never happen, because when there is no definite time or date... normally it means that there wasn't a time that this answer was actually consider in details~~

When I was a kid, I ask, when is dad coming back? Next week...
But most of the time, it's just a phrase (no big deal now) and I learn not to ask, and learn not to put in hope... because nobody likes disappointment...

A heart can only get disappointed so many times until it learns not to put in any hope at first~ I had learn how to comprehend so please don't make me empty promises and make me hate you... because if you really do care, you will know that it's a form of lying to me... I have grew up knowing when to stop trusting someone, unfortunately nobody is exempted yet...

I understand that ppl say a lot of beautiful words everyday, and I enjoy those words, but to gain my trust, it's certainly not an easy task especially if you are someone who never think that lying is a big deal...

Past is the past

I have made my past as a past, but I am still a good person... because turning my back and walking away from another person just isn't my style... it's just not my core...

If today my decision of having a life is wrong... then so be it... because I found that person who I can give all my heart to and also gave his all to me...
I am very satisfied with who I have chosen because I genuinely think that this man is the man who I can spend the rest of my life with and I really do love him...

I try my best to be a good person... I am a human, I don't just stop loving another person when I leave them... so no matter what happened... I will still care... eventually I will still give in my best care and best support that I can...

But for me to help you... you must first help yourself... I have done and said all that I can... so all that's left is to wait... I wish that someday, you will see what I have done for you and stand back up... hoping that the people I placed beside you can help guide you back on the right tract too...

Summary of the day is, I will always care and I will always be there to help out for as much as I could... I do know that it might not be fair for L... but if he truly knows me, then he will see that me trying to help and loving him has no contradictions at all...

I believe that I am doing the right thing, and I believe that someday... L can see that he choose the right person because he had choose one that still understand the meaning of compassion...

PAST and IGNITE...

Have you try to help someone until your own soul is decaying? Well... apparently I have... and I realize that I really did put down so much... even my social life... my personal time and also my dignity...

I can see changes but I felt so hopeless in trying to prevent those changes from happening ><
I see love but it is no longer enough, because without improvement, it's useless...

Been in this situation for a few time then I started to realized that I too have changed... I seems to be choosing stuff and ppl to care about now...
What I wanted is something stable~ However, no matter how far I go, I seems to kept bumping into the same kind of ppl all over again... I am starting to think that maybe this is what they call reality, it means that no matter how great life can seem... Ppl are all the same...

I cannot let my past hunts me down again, but instead of running away from it, I think I am ready to actually face it now =) I need and want that courage that is in me to be ignited...

Future~^^

Today is a long day, I was in 3 different state, kampar then KL then johor... but somehow I don't feel tired, probably due to having things to do... Haha

I was enjoying my stay in kampar with L, then I was enjoying my time with T, my best friend^^ and now I am enjoying listening to this story of this tb, S...

I kinda miss L from the moment I step away from him... and he reminds me of that little girl I used to be when I was 16 years old, I just enjoy being around him and I can actually see a future with him =)
S reminds me of how I was when I was 16 as well and I like to listen to her stories, haha... she reminds me of the time where I was choosing partners, following feelings and being reckless, I was feeling a little bit old but also felt like a grown up because what she experiencing now is what I experienced b4... Haha

I am seeing a future where I will put my effort in nurturing children, enjoying a simple house with my own design... and my home is where my family is, a family that me and my man built^^

Haha... I am probably thinking a little far, but I do know what kind of future I would want, and this man is capable of making me see it clearer...

Thank you Lord for giving me the chance to see clearer, and when I have kids, I will want them to know you so that they will have a clear and kind path^^

Management~

Sometimes I have this thought of being forever alone for the rest of my life...
Because the spouse that I wanted doesn't exist, sigh... :-(

There are times where I think it would be easier if I own a car... but if I think about the core problem, that's not the case... even if I have a car to drive around, every time if my partner is not around then I go find somebody else accompany me... basically the situation is telling me he is replaceable...

I don't like waiting for ppl... I don't like guys that ask me things without giving me at least a suggestion...especially when the decision is base on your timing not mine... and I severely dislike the fact that I am told something last minutes where I could have made other plans...

I am a very complicated person because what I wanted is simple, and yet ppl kept failing miserably at it...
I just wanted someone that take time to know me... and have a good management skill... what is wrong with telling me a schedule so that I know how to settle my own lunch time? Or the main problem is actually not knowing that I need to eat lunch... maybe the worst scenario is not caring enough to think that I need to eat lunch...

I can handle my own stuff but how am I suppose to manage when I spend all my time just waiting for a response or waiting for some absolute craps where it can be avoided if you could just have a little better management skills in personal life...

I am an independent person but I do need to know stuff... is it really so hard to notice that I am just like any other girl... when I find a boyfriend... he should be a guardian... or else... what use are you there for me, I could have just pick anyone else or maybe just have any other bunch of friends?

Well... this is one of those time where I simply wanted to find a place to spill my thoughts then forget about everything because my mind can't comprehend with another person's life....

Please Lord... give me the will to comprehend, give me the wisdom to understand, most of all, give me the courage to try to make this work... because I am really lost right now not knowing what is there to hope for...