The love... It's gone

Have anyone of you experience this before?  The moments you have before flashes infront of you and you try to save your relationship and then just that one incident or one move happen... Then what you feel is gone...  Like you never love that person before?

Well...  I said that if a conversation is had right now...  He will regret it...  And now actually proves that I was right...  It's gone...  All that love I have for him and all those effort I made to change him and make this relationship work is gone...  Just like that...  The love is gone... 

I no longer feel like wanting to understand all this stuff...  I no longer feel the obligation to make any changes...  I just feel free and happy now...  That feeling is murdered just because he force me to put back on a facebook status...
I wish that I can somehow manage to save this relationship...  But apparently.... What's gone stays gone...  =）

Technical, lovey dovey

Hanging out don't feel like hanging out with L... we go out see friends and it felt like every "friend" got their own agenda and own role... the only person that I am remotely sincere in talking to is a girl that doesn't talk business... I was so glad to know someone that doesn't talk intelligent =)

I like the fact that L is fighting for his career and meeting with ppl that is important, doing things that are going to change his future... I really like those qualities about him...  most of all, he will come to see me, and misses me, and that make a world stop spinning... it's soothing and comfortable conversation with him sometimes make me feel like I am having a debate or taking an exam... because everything is so technical so stiff and realistic...

I am just a girl that is here to find true love... who still believe in fairy tales... I always remember that being in a relationship should be lovely, sweet and warm... I never relate it to anything this structural before and also so... systematical... I guess sometimes guys forgot that choosing a topic that will interest a girl is really a thing...

I think anything is more fun than talking about business for now... even watching my two fat hamsters running on the wheel excites me more than the topic of business...

Other than that, L doesn't seem to understand why I wanted to know about his ex, because it was part of his life and when he talks about it... I can still hear the effects on him... I can hear and see that she meant something important to him once... maybe not now, but she was somebody to him before, it gonna mean something... and if he doesn't want to talk about her, maybe he is not that over her either...

Raison d'être

Raison d'être means the reason of existence, it is also a phrase that was said to me just now^^

Haha... I am so melted right now, originally I though wanting to see him and missing him is bad... but talking to him made me realized that I am not alone in this... and I am allow to do so =) I am not a secret and I truly have him...
My fear of commitment is lifted from me^^

All I needed was for him to show me that I am not someone extra... and I am important to him too =)
I was feeling agitated because I miss him a lot... and I am so relieve to know that he feels the same too~ ^^
I AM NOT ALONE!!! XD

I am now ready to quite playing around and really plan on that online business thing... because I think it's time for me to plan... and really do what I think =)
And L Is a great source of motivation... no more sales job for me... time to pick up some pace!!! XP

Past is the past

I have made my past as a past, but I am still a good person... because turning my back and walking away from another person just isn't my style... it's just not my core...

If today my decision of having a life is wrong... then so be it... because I found that person who I can give all my heart to and also gave his all to me...
I am very satisfied with who I have chosen because I genuinely think that this man is the man who I can spend the rest of my life with and I really do love him...

I try my best to be a good person... I am a human, I don't just stop loving another person when I leave them... so no matter what happened... I will still care... eventually I will still give in my best care and best support that I can...

But for me to help you... you must first help yourself... I have done and said all that I can... so all that's left is to wait... I wish that someday, you will see what I have done for you and stand back up... hoping that the people I placed beside you can help guide you back on the right tract too...

Summary of the day is, I will always care and I will always be there to help out for as much as I could... I do know that it might not be fair for L... but if he truly knows me, then he will see that me trying to help and loving him has no contradictions at all...

I believe that I am doing the right thing, and I believe that someday... L can see that he choose the right person because he had choose one that still understand the meaning of compassion...

Management~

Sometimes I have this thought of being forever alone for the rest of my life...
Because the spouse that I wanted doesn't exist, sigh... :-(

There are times where I think it would be easier if I own a car... but if I think about the core problem, that's not the case... even if I have a car to drive around, every time if my partner is not around then I go find somebody else accompany me... basically the situation is telling me he is replaceable...

I don't like waiting for ppl... I don't like guys that ask me things without giving me at least a suggestion...especially when the decision is base on your timing not mine... and I severely dislike the fact that I am told something last minutes where I could have made other plans...

I am a very complicated person because what I wanted is simple, and yet ppl kept failing miserably at it...
I just wanted someone that take time to know me... and have a good management skill... what is wrong with telling me a schedule so that I know how to settle my own lunch time? Or the main problem is actually not knowing that I need to eat lunch... maybe the worst scenario is not caring enough to think that I need to eat lunch...

I can handle my own stuff but how am I suppose to manage when I spend all my time just waiting for a response or waiting for some absolute craps where it can be avoided if you could just have a little better management skills in personal life...

I am an independent person but I do need to know stuff... is it really so hard to notice that I am just like any other girl... when I find a boyfriend... he should be a guardian... or else... what use are you there for me, I could have just pick anyone else or maybe just have any other bunch of friends?

Well... this is one of those time where I simply wanted to find a place to spill my thoughts then forget about everything because my mind can't comprehend with another person's life....

Please Lord... give me the will to comprehend, give me the wisdom to understand, most of all, give me the courage to try to make this work... because I am really lost right now not knowing what is there to hope for...

Moment :-)

There are things I am very confuse about will emerge out of nowhere from time to time... And I seem to be encountering one particularly confusing issue here~

I believe that if you are in love with a person... it happens in a moment... a moment that makes everything you see about him became magical... good... And makes you feel absolutely vulnerable but you don't care...

I was asked something yesterday and it's a question that I was expecting but with no answer still... if I were to jump again... I need to be sure... jumping into the valley of love is not exactly easy for me anymore but I do believe that there will have this moment where I just know that I love him...

L is a great guy with so much potential and fire in him... his passion in work and determination for success is what made him so attractive to me but also because of this... sense of security with him is unstable... probably have something to do with his financial stability or something like that... But apart from this... I feel more positivity and more alive when I am with him... maybe I just need to see him and really let him pampered me to have that moment...

P.S. When a moment like that comes, I won't be hesitate to show it =)

Start over~

For those who knows me, it is evidence that my love life is a mess~ haha 😅

Well... I decided to kept on trying though~ and this time, he is L... The initial happens to be one of my favourite character as well from death note... haha~ 😄

I always knew that I am not the girl that any guy can accept 😧 but just like any other girls, we don't really know what we want until we met what we don't want... haha~ so here goes~

1. I like public display of affection~
2. I like calm and logic guys~
3. I like guys that dare to have me beside him all the time, not literary,  just my name on key chains,  my identity infront of friends~^^
4. I love couple shirts and I like necklace that have initials of both of us~
5. Birthday and valentine day is important, at least have to remember and let me see that you care~
6. I like suprise gift, especially those that are custom made or hand made because to me, it says you are my one and only~
7. I like to know what you are doing. .. so a simple message will do^^ I am not that clingy so I really don't need to meet all the time^^

Graduation~

Well... last week I had my graduation, I was happy about the fact that I never have to go back utar again... haha~ so I guess taking Master in the near future is out of the question~ XP
During my graduation... Some friends travel from another states just to see me~ I am very very grateful and hope that someday, I can find someone worthy enough for me to do the same~ =)As for love life, I found out that being single is not a problem but staying as one is, I can't seem to stay single long enough to see a clear picture, so basically I am giving them a probation period~ Hoping that one of them may actually pass with a distinction or get terminated~ (obviously I am very rusty in dating and also very tired of it) ><

Well... no pain no gain so... go train some 6 packs or improve some English skills or maybe increase some income~ whichever you think is going to catch my attention,  do it~~ ^^

Love

There is this thing call love~
It is in almost every movie or series that we watch... even movies like SAW... you can also see the love John have for his wife and son~

However... nowadays... The love of ppl seems to be dying or wishing it to be like Korean drama~

If you like someone... communicate with him or her then tell them you like them~
It doesn't matter if you are a boy or a girl... If you kept waiting. .. time pass and feelings gone... and what is there to lost? Just tell then if not mutual feeling... remain friends... The awkwardness remain a week or so... and if the feeling is mutual. .. congratulation... you might just earn your happiness in this magical world =)

JUST BE A LITTLE MORE BRAVER AND MAGIC WILL HAPPEN =D