Next week, next time

The phrase "next week" never gave me a good impression... so does the phrase "next time"

Because they never happen, because when there is no definite time or date... normally it means that there wasn't a time that this answer was actually consider in details~~

When I was a kid, I ask, when is dad coming back? Next week...
But most of the time, it's just a phrase (no big deal now) and I learn not to ask, and learn not to put in hope... because nobody likes disappointment...

A heart can only get disappointed so many times until it learns not to put in any hope at first~ I had learn how to comprehend so please don't make me empty promises and make me hate you... because if you really do care, you will know that it's a form of lying to me... I have grew up knowing when to stop trusting someone, unfortunately nobody is exempted yet...

I understand that ppl say a lot of beautiful words everyday, and I enjoy those words, but to gain my trust, it's certainly not an easy task especially if you are someone who never think that lying is a big deal...

Past is the past

I have made my past as a past, but I am still a good person... because turning my back and walking away from another person just isn't my style... it's just not my core...

If today my decision of having a life is wrong... then so be it... because I found that person who I can give all my heart to and also gave his all to me...
I am very satisfied with who I have chosen because I genuinely think that this man is the man who I can spend the rest of my life with and I really do love him...

I try my best to be a good person... I am a human, I don't just stop loving another person when I leave them... so no matter what happened... I will still care... eventually I will still give in my best care and best support that I can...

But for me to help you... you must first help yourself... I have done and said all that I can... so all that's left is to wait... I wish that someday, you will see what I have done for you and stand back up... hoping that the people I placed beside you can help guide you back on the right tract too...

Summary of the day is, I will always care and I will always be there to help out for as much as I could... I do know that it might not be fair for L... but if he truly knows me, then he will see that me trying to help and loving him has no contradictions at all...

I believe that I am doing the right thing, and I believe that someday... L can see that he choose the right person because he had choose one that still understand the meaning of compassion...

PAST and IGNITE...

Have you try to help someone until your own soul is decaying? Well... apparently I have... and I realize that I really did put down so much... even my social life... my personal time and also my dignity...

I can see changes but I felt so hopeless in trying to prevent those changes from happening ><
I see love but it is no longer enough, because without improvement, it's useless...

Been in this situation for a few time then I started to realized that I too have changed... I seems to be choosing stuff and ppl to care about now...
What I wanted is something stable~ However, no matter how far I go, I seems to kept bumping into the same kind of ppl all over again... I am starting to think that maybe this is what they call reality, it means that no matter how great life can seem... Ppl are all the same...

I cannot let my past hunts me down again, but instead of running away from it, I think I am ready to actually face it now =) I need and want that courage that is in me to be ignited...

Future~^^

Today is a long day, I was in 3 different state, kampar then KL then johor... but somehow I don't feel tired, probably due to having things to do... Haha

I was enjoying my stay in kampar with L, then I was enjoying my time with T, my best friend^^ and now I am enjoying listening to this story of this tb, S...

I kinda miss L from the moment I step away from him... and he reminds me of that little girl I used to be when I was 16 years old, I just enjoy being around him and I can actually see a future with him =)
S reminds me of how I was when I was 16 as well and I like to listen to her stories, haha... she reminds me of the time where I was choosing partners, following feelings and being reckless, I was feeling a little bit old but also felt like a grown up because what she experiencing now is what I experienced b4... Haha

I am seeing a future where I will put my effort in nurturing children, enjoying a simple house with my own design... and my home is where my family is, a family that me and my man built^^

Haha... I am probably thinking a little far, but I do know what kind of future I would want, and this man is capable of making me see it clearer...

Thank you Lord for giving me the chance to see clearer, and when I have kids, I will want them to know you so that they will have a clear and kind path^^

Management~

Sometimes I have this thought of being forever alone for the rest of my life...
Because the spouse that I wanted doesn't exist, sigh... :-(

There are times where I think it would be easier if I own a car... but if I think about the core problem, that's not the case... even if I have a car to drive around, every time if my partner is not around then I go find somebody else accompany me... basically the situation is telling me he is replaceable...

I don't like waiting for ppl... I don't like guys that ask me things without giving me at least a suggestion...especially when the decision is base on your timing not mine... and I severely dislike the fact that I am told something last minutes where I could have made other plans...

I am a very complicated person because what I wanted is simple, and yet ppl kept failing miserably at it...
I just wanted someone that take time to know me... and have a good management skill... what is wrong with telling me a schedule so that I know how to settle my own lunch time? Or the main problem is actually not knowing that I need to eat lunch... maybe the worst scenario is not caring enough to think that I need to eat lunch...

I can handle my own stuff but how am I suppose to manage when I spend all my time just waiting for a response or waiting for some absolute craps where it can be avoided if you could just have a little better management skills in personal life...

I am an independent person but I do need to know stuff... is it really so hard to notice that I am just like any other girl... when I find a boyfriend... he should be a guardian... or else... what use are you there for me, I could have just pick anyone else or maybe just have any other bunch of friends?

Well... this is one of those time where I simply wanted to find a place to spill my thoughts then forget about everything because my mind can't comprehend with another person's life....

Please Lord... give me the will to comprehend, give me the wisdom to understand, most of all, give me the courage to try to make this work... because I am really lost right now not knowing what is there to hope for...

Moment :-)

There are things I am very confuse about will emerge out of nowhere from time to time... And I seem to be encountering one particularly confusing issue here~

I believe that if you are in love with a person... it happens in a moment... a moment that makes everything you see about him became magical... good... And makes you feel absolutely vulnerable but you don't care...

I was asked something yesterday and it's a question that I was expecting but with no answer still... if I were to jump again... I need to be sure... jumping into the valley of love is not exactly easy for me anymore but I do believe that there will have this moment where I just know that I love him...

L is a great guy with so much potential and fire in him... his passion in work and determination for success is what made him so attractive to me but also because of this... sense of security with him is unstable... probably have something to do with his financial stability or something like that... But apart from this... I feel more positivity and more alive when I am with him... maybe I just need to see him and really let him pampered me to have that moment...

P.S. When a moment like that comes, I won't be hesitate to show it =)

Start over~

For those who knows me, it is evidence that my love life is a mess~ haha 😅

Well... I decided to kept on trying though~ and this time, he is L... The initial happens to be one of my favourite character as well from death note... haha~ 😄

I always knew that I am not the girl that any guy can accept 😧 but just like any other girls, we don't really know what we want until we met what we don't want... haha~ so here goes~

1. I like public display of affection~
2. I like calm and logic guys~
3. I like guys that dare to have me beside him all the time, not literary,  just my name on key chains,  my identity infront of friends~^^
4. I love couple shirts and I like necklace that have initials of both of us~
5. Birthday and valentine day is important, at least have to remember and let me see that you care~
6. I like suprise gift, especially those that are custom made or hand made because to me, it says you are my one and only~
7. I like to know what you are doing. .. so a simple message will do^^ I am not that clingy so I really don't need to meet all the time^^